Controlling and Coercive Behaviour Disguised as Care
When men disguise emotional abuse under the guises of love, care and boundaries
Welcome to ‘Eyb, my newsletter, in which I write frankly on topics that as a young Arab woman I would often be told were shameful or ‘eyb. I also write about current affairs affecting women and marginalised communities, as well as sharing my current work and reading/listening/viewing recommendations.
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It’s been a good several years since I was last regularly up to date with celebrity news. I haven’t watched an episode of E! Insider in about seven years and the last time I watched Keeping up with the Kardashians was in 2012. But there are some pieces of celebrity news that ring so relevant for the average person like me that I can’t help but pay attention.
A recent example is last week’s revelation by American Hollywood actor Jonah Hill’s ex-surfer girlfriend Sarah Brady, that during their relationship Hill exhibited controlling and coercive behaviour. She exposed strings of old texts on her Instagram stories in which Hill laid down terms and conditions for the continuation of their relationship, requesting her to delete social media posts that he considered revealing and saying she could not surf with men nor continue modelling.
What was interesting was he used the term “boundaries,” something we often hear being encouraged by therapists. In actuality, he misused the word “boundaries” - a sneaky way of using emotional manipulation and psychological terminology as a guise for controlling and coercive behaviour. Many people on social media reacted to the news by saying, ‘well he knew when he started dating her that she was a surfer, why did he expect her to give that up or change after they got together?’
The thing is many men do expect us to give up the things we once loved, that were once part of our identity, in exchange for their companionship and/or love. They believe that they are entitled to ask us to change for them and to adhere to a set of standards they set out before us. If they aren’t calling it “boundaries” they are disguising it under other terms such as “caring” for us, or “out of love.”
I know this behaviour all too well.
My semi-autobiographical novel Hijab and Red Lipstick is all about controlling and coercive behaviour, both at home and in relationships, and I used real experiences from my own life in Qatar.
Within the hidden dating scene there (dating is not allowed in Islam and at that time, the mid-Noughties, it was also technically forbidden by the state) myself and many of my fellow Arab female friends allowed the men we dated to control and pressurize us into doing things under the guise of it being because: 1. they loved us 2. they cared for us and 3. (the most prolific excuse) they were jealous for us.
Note I said for and not of. In Arabic the word gheerah means jealousy. If the man you are dating says, “aghaar ‘alayki” (I am jealous for/of you) it’s considered a really positive thing - him being jealous means he loves you and cares about you.
In the Arab and Muslim manosphere, if you don’t have gheerah over your wife or female relatives, you are branded a dayooth, which translates to something along the lines of being a pimp. Hence, men acting jealously over women is culturally accepted and encouraged.
Because of this “gheerah” my Qatari ex asked me to:
not have any male friends
delete all photos of myself from Facebook (these were the days before Instagram, Twitter etc.)
ask his permission before I went out
always wear a full face of makeup for him
cover my face with a black ghishwa when I went out, even if I was not with him (a ghishwa is when you take the end of your rectangular hijab and use it to cover your entire face)
He once met up with me for coffee and my American-Qatari girl friend joined us, and because he deemed her “not a good influence” he asked me to cut my friendship with her.
And I did everything he told me to do because I loved him and did not want to lose him - this is aside from the fact that I was already living under very controlled conditions set by my father.
When I spoke about it to a few close female friends they told me to cut him loose, that he wasn’t my fiancé, husband or father and hence did not have the right to tell me what I can or can’t do, who I can or can’t speak to and what I can or can’t wear.
Naïvely we thought that was a good response but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised that we were conditioned to accept that our husbands and fathers were actually entitled to that controlling and coercive behaviour.
I have the gift of hindsight now to tell anyone, regardless of gender, that if you start dating/courting/getting to know someone for marriage purposes who expects you to change for them, expects you to give up the things you love, and who sets terms and conditions, cut them loose.
And if you would like to read more on this topic, please read the latest Substacks from my two fellow Egyptian authors, journalists and feminists:
Mona El Tahawy’s latest essay in Feminist Giant
Salma El-Wardany’s latest newsletter in Sunday Cervix
I salute Sarah Brady and every woman who finds the courage to expose men’s controlling and coercive behaviour.
Finally, I’d like to announce that my publishers, Hashtag Press, are having their big Summer Sale! My book Hijab and Red Lipstick is currently half-price in both paperback and e-book. They ship internationally.
What I’ve been writing…
I interviewed up-and-coming LA-based Egyptian music artist and friend of Saint Levant, Bayou, for The New Arab. Check out my interview here.
What I’ve been listening to…
As research I obviously had to listen to Bayou’s work! My favourites are Dodi and Diana and Egyptian Wifey. Listen to his music on Spotify and Apple Music.
What I’ve been watching…
Big ‘80s music fan here, including Wham! and George Michael, so of course I had to watch the new Wham! documentary on Netflix. I finished watching it with my heart filled with so much love and so much sadness for the late George Michael. He was just such a lovely and incredibly talented singer, songwriter, producer and man. Gone too soon.
Another highlight was finding out that Andrew Ridgeley (the other half of Wham! that no one talks about anymore) is part Egyptian! I find it very interesting that they’re considered English musicians, given that George’s father was Greek and Andrew’s Italian-Egyptian, but because they were white-passing they were able to assimilate into English-ness.
Well I usually share my recommendations and this isn’t a recommendation. I realise by writing this that I may by defeating my purpose and it will pique your interest and you may end up watching this film. Profile was actually made years ago, back in 2018, but made its rounds on the film festival circuit first. Last weekend it made its way onto my Netflix homepage. After hearing some controversy around it, I couldn’t help myself and gave it a watch, and now I understand why. I am actually a big fan of British Pakistani actor Shazad Latif and if I ever get the opportunity to meet him, I will ask him if he regrets agreeing to star in this film.
Apparently it’s based on a real life story, from the book In the Skin of a Jihadist, by French journalist Anna Erelle. In Profile, a British journalist goes undercover as a new Muslim convert to bait and expose an ISIS recruiter via social media and then ends up actually developing romantic feelings. I understand that this storyline was all the hype between 2014 and 2018 due to ISIS being at its peak during this period of time, plus the case of Shamima Begum began in 2018, but I find the Islamist terrorist storyline in cinema a tired and lazy one, and don’t get me started on falling in love with one. I also found the female protagonist, the British journalist, very dislikeable (unless that was intentional?) especially the point in which she reacts to her trusted colleague Lou Kabir’s mother being Syrian by saying: “they are all connected!” they meaning Arabs. Yuck.