My identity is not the sum of my marriage prospects
As a woman my worth is not determined by whether or not I fulfill your idea of a "good wife"
Marhaba, hala and hello, and welcome back to ‘Eyb, my newsletter in which I write frankly on topics that my family members wish I’d stay quiet about, as well as current affairs affecting marginalized communities, my crazy life anecdotes, and my viewing/listening/reading recommendations.
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On the infuriating space that often is the online Muslim community, there has recently been a trend of some Muslim men posting their “marriage requirements”. These lists tend to be long, superficial, colourist, sometimes racist, make baffling demands, (see real life example below), and in general just raise lots of red flags.
On Twitter, some female Muslim tweeters have tried to see the comedic side by posting imaginary lists of requirements for a husband, to show how ridiculous these men are being.
Jokes aside though, marriage requirements lists, like the screenshotted one above, say a lot not just about those men themselves and the way in which they view women, but about the influence of other men around them from whom they would have learned “what to look for” in a wife, how they were raised by their parents and wider families, and about the community in which they grew up.
In a nutshell, it’s the belief that a woman’s worth is the total sum of her marriage prospects; the process of valuation is according to how much she can serve her husband and his wider family, and as a woman you fall into one of two categories: marriageable or unmarriageable.
It’s a notion that features very heavily in the Arab society in which I grew up, and in the Desi community in which I married into. I am sure that there are many other cultural communities that can resonate with this.
You may say there is nothing wrong with someone, regardless of gender, having certain things, or a “checklist” of things that they are seeking in a potential life partner. But the thing is, in the cultural communities I come from, a man’s checklist for seeking a wife can be as long as he wants, with the most unreasonable and baffling demands, yet when it comes to women, upon offering up our own list of prerequisites, we are often told that we are being too picky and that we should settle.
In addition, there are certain universal traits that Arab and Desi girls are taught they must own, otherwise they will be unmarriageable - young enough, attractive enough, feminine enough, slim enough (but not too skinny), educated (but never more educated than a man), and the two most important traits of all, a VIRGIN and FAMILY ORIENTED.
If we were to go by this list, I most definitely fell into the unmarriageable category. At 29 I was not young by cultural standards, too educated, skinny, not beautiful in the traditional Arab sense (i.e. I did not look like the Arab version of Kim Kardashian like everyone else at the time), I had lived on my own (not family oriented), worked as a personal trainer (I had big muscles, so not feminine enough), and worst of all, I was not a virgin (rape survivor, but because I knew my rapist people said it was my fault). And yet…I got married just before I turned 30.
For most of my 20s my family reiterated how unmarriageable I was because of the fact that I was not a virgin. Because I lacked the most important marriageability factor, I was often told that it put me at the bottom of the pecking order; I’d maybe have to settle for an older man, or widower or divorcee (as if a widower or divorcee were in themselves negatives.)
And when it comes to “family oriented” that is a complete spectrum - what family oriented means to one person or one culture could mean something completely different to another.
I thought I was “family oriented” in the sense that I enjoyed spending time with my family. In the Desi community into which I married, it meant being willing to sacrifice one’s wants and desires for family members, and oftentimes for wives and mothers, be in servitude to the rest of the family. So in their eyes I was not family oriented.
We can’t blame Islam for this framework of marriageable vs. unmarriageable. One of the Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him)’s most popularly recorded hadith, or sayings, was that when it came to marriage, men tended to look four things:
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
So when it comes to Islam, we are encouraged to seek a life partner who is of good character and faith, and I think the idea of choosing a life partner who is a good person is a pretty sound one.
All these additional prerequisites that men and their families in our communities have nowadays - a woman coming from certain tribes (when it comes to Arab families) or castes (when it comes to Desi families), being modest, being family oriented, being fair in complexion, being educated or not educated, etc. etc. etc. are all things they have created themselves.
And don’t get me started on the prerequisite of being a virgin…
I’ve recently become very interested in hadith science - there is an actual science behind the narrations and sayings of the Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him).
There are sayings that are classified as weak, fabricated and questionable (as in the Prophet Muhammed probably didn’t say those things) by scholars, yet they continue to be quoted by imams and laypeople alllll the tiiiiime, usually against women, sometimes due to a lack of education and sometimes purposely in an effort to control or belittle women, (something we now term spiritual abuse).
And guess which popular saying, or hadith, is considered questionable? The one that some male imams and men love to quote, in which the Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) supposedly encouraged men to marry virgins.
So I am here today to reject the concept of marriageability, and to ask today’s parents to end this framework of marriageable vs. unmarriageable when it comes to how you view your children and how you view the man or woman they bring home to marry.
It stems from a toxic mentality that makes a woman sound like a house or car that is to be surveyed and valued, and it has a detrimental effect on our mental health.
And if anyone ever comes to you with a “marriage requirements” list, make sure you to tell them where to shove it…
What I’ve been reading…
Following the release of highly anticipated romcom What’s Love Got To Do With It, journalist and author Hira Ali dispels myths and stereotypes surrounding arranged marriages in her Indy Voices piece, Why I had an arranged marriage - and it doesn’t make me any less progressive.
A really raw, honest, and touching piece by stand-up comedienne Shazia Mirza - and her father - on her childhood. Read Shazia Mirza and her father: “I can’t believe I survived my childhood.”
This eye-opening piece by Lucy Marley for Cosmopolitan UK, My time with Shamima Begum and Hoda Muthana in a Syrian detention camp.
What I’ve been listening to…
Nai Barghouti on album cover of Nai 1 on Spotify
I’ve been listening to lots of music by artists from the Arab diaspora. So in something a little different in this edition of ‘Eyb, I’m sharing my Spotify playlist:
Finally, if you enjoy my work and want to support me, consider buying a copy of my semi-autobiographical novel, Hijab and Red Lipstick, published by Hashtag Press.
Longlisted for The Diverse Book Awards 2021, Hijab and Red Lipstick is a rare insight into what life is like as a young Arab woman growing up in the Arab Gulf. Find it on Amazon, Waterstones, Blackwells, and worldwide on the Book Depository.